Happy holidays, horror lovers! That's right, the judgmental fat man is coming once again to terrorize homes and subjugate innocent reindeer into magical slave labor... Let's hope you've been good little boys and girls! In the meantime, here are the 12 best scary movies to get you into the spooky holiday spirit.
1. Black Christmas (1974)
If you were thinking of watching the 2004 remake, allow me to gently redirect you to the older, better original. It's way more suspenseful and state-of-the-art. If you are a fan of slasher films, you pretty much have to see Black Christmas; it's one of the best and first of the genre. Cozy up with a snack and enjoy watching sorority girls poked and prodded with knives, neatly wrapped up in director Bob Clark's incredibly eerie and unsettling ambiance.
2. Jack Frost
This may be a "best of" list, but we couldn't possibly exclude one particular film that is so ferociously bad that it's almost enjoyable. Please don't watch this film un-ironically and expect to have a good time. It's about a genetically mutated killer snowman, for God's sake. Expect to see some painfully bad acting, bad effects, and total "womp womp" humor from crazy Jack himself. It's worth a watch if you're in the mood for a chuckle, or if you have an inexplainable desire to see someone get impaled with an icicle.
3. Silent Night, Bloody Night
A man inherits a mansion that used to be an insane asylum. As far as lavish inheritances go, our protagonist is sh*t out of luck, mainly because this mansion happens to have a psychotic killer in it. Fun fact: As you will learn in this eerie movie, it was apparently possible to purchase a mansion for $50 grand in 1972. That said, we're guessing a lurking, homicidal maniac does make somewhat of a dent in property value.
4. Silent Night
This one is a 2012 remake of a 1984 movie called Silent Night, Deadly Night (due to Hollywood's complete lack of originality, these titles may start to get confusing. Bear with us.) A remote midwestern town is terrorized by a killer santa. He's made his list, he's checked it twice, and he's axing people to death on Christmas Eve. Because the bozos who live in this town also enjoy parading around dressed as Santa, our killer is pretty much able to hide in plain sight. Let this be a cautionary tale to all ye bros: This is what could happen if Santa Con continues to be a thing.
5. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale
"This Christmas, everyone will believe in Santa Claus"... Well, a version of Santa Claus. One that's been buried in the Korvatunturi Mountains for hundreds of years and has just been dug up by an idiotic excavation group. This flick's portrayal of Santa is actually pretty original and entertaining. He's basically an immortal being who's job is to punish naughty children. Don't worry, he's got his elves too (they're actually just naked old white guys. We all deserve our moment to shine.)
6. Sint, ("Saint")
A reimagining of the traditional European figure Sinterklaas, or Saint Nicholas, Sint portrays St. Nick as the ghost of a murderous bishop who kidnaps children and kills them whenever December 5th coincides with a full moon. He wields a badass scythe and rides a pretty white pony, two of many reasons that make this one a must see. Be warned- it's a Dutch film, so only watch if you don't mind subtitles, or if you are Dutch... (Zalig Kerstfeast!)
A business woman tries to make it home for Christmas Eve but instead finds herself locked in a parking garage with a psychotic, lovesick security guard. We're just happy that Wes Bentley finally landed himself a post-American Beauty role that is actually deserving of his creepiness. An intelligent mix of psychological thrills and good old bloody action, P2 is a holiday must for horror fans.
8. Santa's Slay
Who knew that Santa is actually the spawn of an immaculate birth thanks to Satan (anybody else notice the anagram?) After being forced to deliver presents for thousands of years, Santa finally snaps and goes on a killing spree... I mean, can you really blame him? Being Father Christmas is some pretty tiring stuff. Watch Santa's Slay, Fran Drescher's in it and she dies in the most hilariously festive way (hint: It involves eggnog.)
9. The Children
The Children is a charming little film about murderous children who mysteriously get sick on Christmas and go coo coo bananas on their parents. Watch in horror/glee as a "relaxing Christmas vacation" turns into a total bloodbath. There's something scarily satisfying about watching these little tykes get all slicey dicey.
10. Tales from the Crypt
Joan Collins plays a disgruntled housewife that kills her husband on Christmas Eve. She gets a frosty bite from Christmas karma as a homicidal maniac in a Santa suit has his bloody way with her. The subsequent TV show with the same name was slightly gorier and, admittedly, a touch funnier. But the original anthology film is a total classic.
11. A Christmas Horror Story
This Canadian import is a witty, blood-smattered ode to Christmas iconography through the lens of various interwoven narratives, all told by festive radio host Dangerous Dan (portrayed by William Shatner). This one has everything a holiday horror film should have: Krampus, a lumbering but lethal Santa Claus, and freaky little zombie elves.
Last year's highly anticipated release of Krampus didn't quite go off with the expected bang, but it's still worth a watch thanks to expert performances from the all-star cast and truly nightmarish visions of otherwise lovable Christmas characters (gingerbread cookies will never be the same). We like that it doesn't take itself too seriously, with just enough dark humor to make light of this sinister folk legend.
Have you watched any of these films? If so, which one is your favorite? Let us know in the comment section below!