It's summer, it's hot as hell, and while other people are basking the sunlight and posting very flattering Instagram photos, my goblin ass is hiding in the darkest, coldest, sleaziest theaters that I can find in order to keep out of direct sunlight and possibly exploding.
I watch a lot of horror movies, which means that I watch a lot of trailers. Here are the movies I'm most excited about. So grab your popcorn and dim the lights because we're about to start our newest edition of TRAILER TORTURE TIME *thunderclap*
The Gist: "What if your Alexa tried to kill you."
Reaction: There's a pretty fun Ex Machina meets Cell kind of vibe and I'm a sucker for escape movies. But there wasn't a lot to hook me on past the premise. I probably wouldn't see it in theaters, but it's a Netflix movie and I'm gonna need something to put on the background while I'm screwing around online.
Release Date: Soonish?
The Gist: It's a remake of the Dario Argento film.
Reaction: I'll be honest, I've never been that big a fan of the classic Italian horror films because they tend to prioritize style over substance so much that they're pretty but forgettable. This one does have Tilda Swinton in it, which is exciting, but the trailer is a series of pretty images designed to invoke dread rather than a compelling narrative. If I'd not seen the original, I'd probably be thinking it was just a film about a bunch of unhappy ballerinas who practice witchcraft for fun because they're stuck in the middle of nowhere.
Release Date: November 2nd
The New Mutants
The Gist: "What if they did the next X-Men movie as a horror film?"
Reaction: I'm generally suffering from severe superhero burnout, but I like the new direction that the X-men series is going over at Fox. Deadpool has been a fun deconstruction, and this is a really interesting take on mutant kind. Taking a bunch of vulnerable, uncontrolled kids and putting them in one of those run-down, dimly lit institutions that can only exist in horror movies is a delight. I'm stoked about this one and I hope it's actually a horror film and not another bland superhero flick with a well-edited trailer.
Release Date: August 2nd, 2019
The First Purge
The Gist: So how did the whole Purge thing get started?
Reaction: I generally don't like prequels and I think the whole idea behind the Purge would fall apart if people took it too seriously, but I've liked these films a lot. They're never perfect, they are more action than horror at this point, but they're also a fairly good dark mirror about our gun-obsessed society of vicious patriots. I like that this one appears to have predominantly African American heroes, as these movies aren't shy about directly addressing the racism and power imbalance in the world, but it's probably going to be pleasantly mean-spirited and forgettable.
Release Date: July 4th (oooohhh I see what they did there)
Unfriended: Dark Web
The Gist: Oh those millennials and their smart phones and their secrets . . .
Reaction: I really liked the original Unfriended. I thought it used technology well, I liked that it all unfolded in real time, and I liked the internet bullying angle. This one seems like a less supernatural story and all the talk about the "dark web" sounds super corny. I suspect there will be dimishing returns on this one, but I have enough good will left over from the first movie in order to check it out. It's probably going to suck, though. Ghosts make better adversaries fo this kind of story than creepy stalker types.
Release Date: July 20th
The Gist: Let's put the best jump scare from The Exorcist 3 in the trailer.
Reaction: I'm not typically a fan of The Conjuring series of religious-themed jump scare fests, but I'm actually pretty excited about this one. Valak is a visually appealing demon and I'm a sucker for the gothic trappings of this movie, of a convent that looks like something out of the dark ages and with sinister secrets waiting to be found. Plus the Annabelle sequel was a pleasant surprise, so I'm going into this with an open mind.
Release Date: September 7th
The Gist: It's Shane Black, so it might not suck, but we're not holding our breath.
Reaction: There's something just a little bit too slick and extra about this movie, but it is Shane Black at the helm. If it gets great reviews, I'm in. Otherwise this is a rainy day rental.
Release Date: September 14th
The Gist: I'm pretty sure that's not how you pronounce "symbiote."
Reaction: I don't like purely CGI creations and, as I previously mentioned, I'm feeling a bit of superhero burnout. But Venom was one of my favorite super guys from my childhood and I like both Tom Hardy and the mix of psychological and body horror suggested in the trailer. I hope it's as dark and nasty as the trailer suggests.
Release Date: October 5th, 2018
The Gist: "Is this that guy from the HBO documentary?"
Reaction: I like the look of the trailer. There's a really gray, Gore Verbinski look to it and I'm generally fond of the creature himself. This could either be an atmospheric tale of a meme demon or a pretentious joyless slog.
Release Date: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The Gist: HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHI......
Reaction: It's weird being a fan of something for a long time. The Halloween films have kind of become a Choose Your Own Adventure of mythology of a franchise and I actually have a lot of fondness for Halloween H20. That said, the "holy shit" factor is really high on this one. The crew behind it, especially the fact that John Carpenter is involved, makes me really stoked about this. Plus, the battle between Michael and Laurie Strode remains the standard that all Final Girls are judged on, and Jamie Lee Curtis taking on the Sam Loomis role is exciting.
Also I will never get tired of the moment in the trailer where the guy shows Michael the mask and the entire asylum goes nuts.
I can't wait for this one.
Release Date: October 19th, 2018
Miss any? Let us know in the comments.