Ah motherhood. Is there a more gentle, more sacred, more loving institution? A loving mother ushering a new life into the world with beauty and grace, feeding them from their own bodies, tending and caring for them like the vulnerable creatures they are. Truly, we are never alone in the world when we have our mother’s love with us.
Or, if you’re like me, you wanna come up with the most *****ed up costume you can so you can instill the seeds of trauma early on. Because when it comes to making more horror fans, we’re like Catholics; get ‘em early and they’re ours forever.
Anyway, you got two months to go until Halloween shows up and that means you’re going to be waddling around the parties and dance clubs with your future ingrate making you look like a beach ball. Well we at I Love Halloween want you to have as much fun as possible between your endless trips to the bathroom and the joy of watching other people get drunk, so we’ve put together a master list of horrifying costumes. Check these out.
This one is hella easy. Just put on some black pants and some spooky makeup and you will remind everyone that there’s a WHOLE mess of bones being grown inside you and they’ve always got a smile on. So I guess your baby will be an optimist or something. Lucky you.
A lot of the best body horror movies are about taking the normal processes of the body and distorting them in new and horrifying ways. Well, one of the most famous body horror scenes was the chestburster scene in the original Alien. Just stick one of these on your belly, cover yourself with blood, and work out some of the horror of pregnancy (something COMES OUT OF YOU!?!?!) with some dark humor.
Rey and BB-8
Okay, so I get paid to write these things and it’s probably not a great idea to make every costume a horrifying monster. Well, I like the new Star Wars movies as much as the next guy and you can show your love for the movies with this awesome couples costume. Just have your partner go ass Finn of Kylo Ren.
Jack O Lantern
Another nice and simple costume, all you gotta do is add matching makeup and maybe stick a lit candle in your belly button. One way or another it’s going to make a memorable Halloween.
Pamela Voorhees Friday the 13th
Sure, any mom can give birth and love a deformed monster, but how many mothers would hack up a camp full of annoying counselors after the kid drowns due to their neglect? All you need is a blue cable knit sweater, a big knife, and maybe a hockey mask in case people don’t get it.
Well, if any one of these suggestions don’t get me fired then this one DEFINITELY will.
Look, pregnant people get bit. We all saw the Dawn of the Dead remake, we all know that it’s not a pretty scene. But you’re pregnant and Halloween is a great night to break taboos, so slather yourself in fake organs and go absolutely nuts.
Nothing says “Halloween Pregnancy Outfit” like an evil habit costume inspired by the film The Nun. Like Rosemary once learned, the Devil is a very attentive father. Plus, if you’re in the romantic mood when you’re out on the town, you can make someone’s sexy lapsed Catholic fantasies come to life.
Winnie the Pooh
Kigurumi - oversized soft character costumes from Japan - are the pregnant partygoers secret weapon. They’re big, they’re comfortable, and you can hide as many illicit substances (or baby bumps) as you want under them. Well, if zombies and chest bursters aren’t your thing, then maybe you can have a visit to the Hundred Acre Wood.
That’s no moon. That’s a space baby.
Got any suggestions? Stick them in the comments below.